In a previous blog post, I identified the 6 signs you are dealing with a toxic manager, based on real world testimonies. Through my research, I was hoping to discover that they have the ability to change; especially, that I am an advocate of personal growth. Unfortunately, I was disappointed. The truth is, your toxic manager will not likely change. Here’s why and what you can do to survive, until you can move on!
First things first, your toxic manager will not likely change
Just after an episode of abusive behaviors, you notice your toxic manager trying to make amends. You feel relieved that they became conscious of their mistake and are genuinely changing. Unfortunately, research negates this. In fact, in a study published by Personnel Psychology in 2020, the authors conclude that “following episodes of abusive behavior, supervisors higher on symbolized moral identity become more concerned with their image, and thus engage in increased ingratiation, self-promotion, and exemplification toward their subordinates.” The study couldn’t prove that these positive instances were genuine or moral. They were a mere path to impressions management.
In simpler terms, when your toxic boss plays nice after an abusive behavior, they are just polishing their public image. So don’t be fooled!
In fact, toxic behavior stems from psychological issues. In an article called “The tyranny of toxic managers”, Roy Lubit, member of the Center for Research on Social and Emotional Intelligence in Organizations, and on the faculty of the Mt. Sinai School of Medicine, New York City, describes 4 types of toxic managers: narcissistic, aggressive, rigid and impaired (suffering from depression, an anxiety disorder, burnout, or alcohol abuse). This means that detoxing a manager is a long process that requires a great deal of effort from the person themselves, starting with self awareness. So I suggest you don’t get your hopes up!
Instead, you can change the way you deal with them, to stay sane before you can find a new opportunity.
So… How can you deal with a toxic manager?
There are 5 things you can do to deal with a toxic manager, until you can move on (again).
Communicate objectively and assertively
Employees working with toxic managers report unrealistic expectations, unclear directions and a poor evaluation of their performance. For those reasons, it is important for you to proactively set a meeting with your toxic manager at the beginning of the year to understand their expectations of your role. Together, you can draft your yearly objectives and set an action plan on how to achieve them. I would advise you to go into details without drowning in them. An extensive elaboration might get you to commit to tasks you may not be able to complete.
I must warn you that the effect of this meeting will fade if you don’t follow up on a regular basis. I would even suggest a quarterly review of your achievements. Be prepared with clear examples.
A good communication also involves providing feedback. This may be tricky with a toxic person. However, the secret is to focus on how their actions or behaviors made you feel rather than what they did. Remember, an unsatisfied employee may hurt their image and they wouldn’t want that. Just make sure not to criticize them as they may get enraged if their self-esteem is threatened.
Drop your ego and feed theirs
Toxicity stems from fear, trust issues, fragile self esteem or simply from aggressive behavior. So to tone down your manager’s toxicity, try not to outshine them. Instead, show admiration and respect without displaying signs of weakness so you don’t turn into a prey.
Instead of convincing them with your ideas, make them feel like they are their own. Guide them smartly into what you’re trying to achieve. Now, you might think this will erase your personality and take away your credit. However, as long as you are reporting to them, you need to choose your battles. Would you like to succeed or get destroyed?
Become a trusted partner
Being in opposition to a toxic manager is the last thing you want to do. So try to switch your seat at the table. Remember, you are both on the same boat and you need to achieve results together! Actively communicate your intent to win as one team; share relevant information; help them by focusing on your work and most importantly try not to engage in gossip with other team members.
Document EVERYTHING
Let’s be honest, with a toxic boss, it’s easy to have your words tweaked. So the most important thing you can do when dealing with them is to document everything: send minutes of meeting, save email communications, keep a journal with incidents and examples of behaviors- you never know when you might need them. Whatever may serve as evidence of bad behavior should be filed.
Build a relationship with their managers
This is your safety net. We talked about the importance of a toxic manager’s personal image especially vis-a-vis their superior. To protect yourself, strengthen your relationship with their managers. They need to know someone has your back. And that someone is the very same person judging them end of year.
You might say it’s easier said than done. I agree. However, as long as you’re in this hole, you might as well protect yourself until something better comes along.
Feature image by Yan Krukau