Sometimes it’s OK to give up. Here’s when…

Ever heard a motivational speaker tell you to give up? I doubt. We are constantly advised to achieve more, persevere, keep going, not give up. Certainly, setting goals, visualizing success, and working hard are often not enough. We should continuously fight the urge to surrender at the first setback… at the second, the third. In the end, there is no such thing as instant success. However, there comes a time when it’s OK to give up.  There comes a time when it’s in our best interest to withdraw from a battle.

Wait… Why do we feel it’s not OK to give up?

“A quitter never wins, and a winner never quits”.

This is the type of proverbs we were brought up with. The idea that quitting is always a bad decision was instilled in our minds at a very young age. This makes it harder for us to accept that in some instances, it actually is the better option. Whether we are shifting careers, letting go of a toxic partner, closing a business, quitting is frowned upon.

To be honest, if you asked me a few months ago, I would be on team “don’t give up”. The thing is, no one likes to listen to the story of how you abandoned a goal because it didn’t make sense to you anymore. People usually create their own ideals of success. And despite the increased emphasis on the journey versus the destination, your surrounding is always looking for that “happy ending”, disregarding what it might have cost you. And you are inclined to provide it to them.

The sunk cost fallacy

On the other hand, we may become victims of a misbelief called the sunk cost fallacy. It is the greater tendency to continue an endeavor once an investment in money, effort, or time has been made (Arkes, H.R. & Ayton, P. 1999). The sunk cost fallacy is a psychological trap that pushes us to stick to a goal even when it no longer serves us by fear of losing the resources spent in the past.

Imagine this simple scenario. You go to the movies on a Sunday night, excited about that latest release. You’re ready with your popcorn, a drink, and some good company. Thirty minutes into the movie, you get extremely bored. You’re about to fall asleep. What goes into your mind? Do you go home and lay in your bed or do you force your eyes open and continue watching? After all, you’ve paid for the ticket, the snacks, and drinks. You drove all the way to the movie theater and booked your and your friends’ time for that activity. If you choose to stay, hoping the film might get better, then congratulations! You have fallen into the sunk cost fallacy.

This bias keeps us focused on preventing a previous loss at the expense of a potential gain in the present and future. It influences the smallest decisions like sitting at that movie theater and more serious choices like sticking to a failed financial investment. This is also because we are emotional beings. Our decision-making process is not only based on facts and data but driven by emotions as well. We often get emotionally attached to a goal; it seems very hard to let go. Luckily, once we realize we are the preys of a sunk cost fallacy, we can act. It’s a simple formula; be aware, make data driven decisions, let go of the past and look into the future.

So, when is it OK to give up?

This calls for a disclaimer. This article doesn’t stand as an invitation for anyone to easily quit on a goal. In fact, perseverance is key to success. As humans, we are wired to want to give up when things get tough and when the reward seems quite distant. Remembering the why behind our endeavor and getting support may help us sustain our efforts.

Nevertheless, as stated in the beginning, there may be situations when quitting is the better choice. Here’s when:

When working towards a goal is making you really unhappy.

We tend to underestimate the importance of mental health and well-being. We carry out tasks that make us miserable just because we committed, and we should tick that box.

I once met Paul (fake name to preserve privacy), a banker, who hated his job. Every morning, he would wake up dreading the day before it even started. Suited up, he would drag himself to the branch, put on a fake smile, and hardly get through his shift. “It’s work after all, it shouldn’t be enjoyable”, he’d say. Paul had recently discovered a new passion, cooking. His eyes sparkled as he talked about his experiments. When I asked him why he wouldn’t pursue this goal, he explained that, although he could afford to make the shift, it was probably not a good choice. He had been in finance for quite some time and was very close to a valuable promotion. He would finally reap the fruit of his decade of hard work.

Paul had fallen into the sunk cost fallacy. He was afraid to waste years of misery and labor, at the expense of even more years of happiness and wellbeing. Paul was deliberately creating a future where he would continue to be unhappy.

Take a moment to assess your state of mind while pursuing your goals. If it is draining the life out of you, causing psychological symptoms, leaving you dissatisfied, I’d say these are cues for you to reevaluate your choices.

When your why doesn’t make sense to you anymore.

As Simon Sinek repeats, start with “Why”. What inspires us to take action and succeed is finding the purpose behind what we are doing. If it doesn’t resonate with us anymore, there is no point of carrying on with the goal.

Ten years ago, I started a blog about nutrition. The purpose behind it was to raise awareness and complement my work as a dietitian. Later, I made the conscious choice of a career shift in the pharmaceutical industry. Although I loved writing and blogging was a top trend, I struggled to create content. It just wouldn’t work. I had lost my “why”. I had become convinced that the obstacle to achieving a healthy lifestyle was not the lack of awareness which I was aiming to create. It was multiple other factors. Whether I was right or wrong at the time is not important. When you lose your purpose, it becomes difficult to sustain your efforts and really succeed at what you do.

Years later, I reunited with my writing passion with a new “why”; that is changing the world, one person at a time, beginning with me! And you know what? I’m happier and more engaged than ever!

When the tradeoff becomes too damaging to handle.

Life and business are about tradeoffs. Although we’d love to have it all, we are often compelled to make a choice. The question is not whether we are sacrificing something. Rather, what is it that we are sacrificing and how important is it to us?

When fully engaged in a goal, schedule regular checkpoints with you to reflect whether it’s affecting an important bucket of your life. Does it negatively impact your relationship with a loved one? Is it damaging your health and wellbeing? Is it preventing you from spending quality time with your family as you would like to? No one can answer these questions on your behalf. You know what your priorities are and only you can decide if any of them are suffering irreparable damage.  

When you find other opportunities that are more achievable and more rewarding.

Outperformers find it hard to describe a goal as unachievable no matter how logical it can be.

I was once discussing a business case with a senior leader. It was an impossible one. She said, “it is a leadership quality to recognize when an opportunity is not achievable and shift our focus towards more rewarding objectives”. She was right. We tend to hold on to the impossible because reaching it would be phenomenal, overlooking other opportunities that may turn out more gratifying.

When we venture into a journey, we base our decisions on a set of data with a pinch of emotions. The facts may change along the way, some becoming obsolete, and others rising to the surface. Therefore, let’s attempt to make informed and focused choices by continuously revisiting the data. Let’s acknowledge that at a particular time, in a certain situation, some goals may not be possible and divert our focus towards better ones. Let’s dare to quit on a goal that may not be as fulfilling today as it appeared to be yesterday.

When the only reason for you to persevere is the fear of being labeled “a quitter”.

It takes more courage to quit on something that is not right for you than to stick to it. This is one of the tough calls that shape and differentiate us. I will not dwell on this point. However, I’d like to invite you to join me on my new journey of normalizing giving up when it’s the better choice; removing quitting from the list of banned words in corporate; respecting a person who quits when it’s in their best interest.

“There’s a difference between giving up and knowing when you’ve had enough”. Sometimes, it’s OK to give up. If you have done so lately, I respect you!

Feature Photo by Isabela Kronemberger on Unsplash